Frank on the Issues

Gay Marriage

Many religious leaders and lay persons alike have found themselves incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of same-sex couples calling themselves married. The problem is, of course, that it's hard for organizations whose only notable contributions to society in the past few years have been the election of George W. Bush (twice) and the mental scarring of an entire generation that has been quite literally raped by those that presumed to speak to God.

Why the government even has anything to do with marriage is beyond me. If Tim and Tom want to call themselves married and blow their mortgage payment on a marvie honeymoon, that's their own thing. It doesn't affect me and it's not going to turn your kids gay. They will not turn you gay, unless you already are, and it's not going to tear the fabric of our society. Worst case scenario: 'Queer Eye' gets picked up by a new network and the resale value of your home will shoot up when gay couples come into your area and make it fabulous.

Abortion

We have no way of knowing when *life* begins, and the matter is so fraught with religious implications that we may never come to a complete compromise. People should get their noses out of other people's butts. Or better yet out of their uteruses.

Bailouts

We have been told the bailout of troubled financial firms is necessary in order to avoid another depression. I'm no economist, but money doesn't just disappear; which means the money that these douchebags were being paid with never really existed. Before we send a single dime of taxpayer money to save these companies, we need to make sure that every executive who had been given bonus money should be forced to pay down some of their company's debt, and that they be thrown in jail. Since they've screwed your kid's over, I don't think anyone would mind telling the general population wherever they end up that they are there for child molestation. Having the CEO of Washington Mutual raped daily by inmates isn't going to bring your 401k back; but it sure as hell will make it easier to sleep.

That being said, the bus driver who's making $35,000 and thought it was a good idea to buy a half-a-million dollar home should *not* be able to keep it. Nobody forced anyone to take on a loan they couldn't afford.

Foreign Policy

I advocate open dialogue with America's allies, and a willingness but firm desire for peace with her enemies.

In preparation for this campaign, I visited Luxembourg. At the highest point in the capitol city there is a crow's nest from which you can see the four neighboring countries - France, Belgium, Denmark, and Germany. Yeah, that's right, Germany. As in World War I. As in World War II. As in Berlin Wall'ed Soviet Block nation with nuclear missiles pointed at us for decades. As in prolonging David Hasselhoff's music career. Yeah, those pricks. I took the guided tour of that crow's nest and I actually looked into that former Nazi nation. Beat that, Palin.

Homeland Security

The United States must make every reasonable effort to prevent a terrorist attack on our soil. The keyword being *reasonable*. We don't need to wire tap Americans or monitor emails. We don't need to take away your suntan lotion when you are taking a flight to Cancun. None of the planes on 9/11 crashed because somebody gummed up the controls with a bottle of Coppertone or Astroglide for that matter.

Moreover, Homeland Security as it stands today, ignores the real threats in the name of political correctness. What happens when the biggest threat to the homeland isn't terrorist but the living dead? My friends, when Main Street is ground-zero of the inevitable zombie uprising, we will not have the luxury of time to reflect on how we may have better prepared.

Defense Spending

I think Ray Lewis is worth every penny. Seriously, who needs bombs when you have guns like this dude? We could save BILLIONS of dollars on fighter jets, tanks, submarines and nukes if we just sent #52 overseas to deal with our enemies. Let's examine the facts - he's FAST - maybe not as fast as an F-22 raptor, but no one under attack is busting out a stopwatch to time how long it takes to get killed. He's STRONG - strong enough to smash in anyone's face. He's been there before - I mean, you remember Atlanta in 2000 right? As president, my first order of business would be to hire Ray as our national attack dog.